new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
