I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize