my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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