you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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