I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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