another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
