My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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