I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
