all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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