R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
