I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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