you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
