Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
