Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
