I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
