Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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