Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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