So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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