Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
