At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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