he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Randomize
