after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
