I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
