whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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