I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
