Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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