onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
