Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
