You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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