i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
