I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He had one of those small greek statue penises
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
