Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
