I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
