She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize