she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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