The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
