I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
