I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
