Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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