If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
