Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
