so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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