The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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