Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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