you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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