I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i love accidental penises.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
