From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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