I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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