I could have mohawked her pubes.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
