Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
