She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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