I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
