I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
