Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
