She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I cannot find my penis.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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