in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
