hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
