its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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