i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
