My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
