Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
