Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
